Couples Counseling
Working through betrayal, forging a new relationship
Sexual Addiction & Couples Counseling
If you are reaching out to me for couples counseling, there is a good chance you are dealing with a man’s sexual acting out. Perhaps it was a hidden pornography addiction, inappropriate emotional connection with other women, or an affair.
I help hard-working couples get their relationships back. But this work is hard and takes time. Some couples don’t get there, and their relationships suffer and some end. Other couples decide they are going to walk through the fire and, together, forge a new relationship, sometimes stronger than before.
The Partner Experience
For most women, discovering a man’s* sexual acting out is traumatic and can include responses such as shame, self-blame, confusion, hypervigilance, a lack of social support, public embarrassment, grief, emotional instability, anger, avoidance, and withdrawal.
*This is not to imply that women do not or cannot be sexually addicted. It’s that I specialize in working with men.
“Many betrayed partners, after learning about the betrayal, exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and acute stress disorder.”
What’s Your Process for Working With Couples?
If the man is in active addiction, he needs to get professional help, ideally with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). If a couple wishes to work on their relationship but the root of the problem, like a pornography addiction, is not being addressed, the partner may experience even deeper wounding. I use an assessment called the Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI) to determine the presence of addiction.
Second, is the man currently keeping secrets? Are there aspects of his acting out that are still hidden from his wife or partner? If yes, this needs to be addressed through a process called disclosure. I utilize Stefanie Carnes’ structure in Courageous Love to help facilitate this process.
The next step would be helping the couple understand the partner’s experience and assisting the man to respond effectively and lovingly, which includes empathy, validation, reassurance, and taking responsibility. I use an assessment for partners called the Inventory for Partner Attachment, Stress and Trauma (IPAST) to facilitate deeper understanding into the PTSD symptoms she may be experiencing.
How Is Your Approach Different?
I treat the man as the foundation of each relationship. Because of this, in my work with couples, I place emphasis on him. I may even request to work with him individually for a few sessions to work through some specific issue. Some researchers have found that where the man goes, the relationship goes. This is not to say that a healthy relationship is only about the man. My approach is simply that the man is first, first to move, first to apologize, first to take responsibility, and first to love.
Possibilities & Work
Facing the realities and consequences of a sexual addiction head on, as a couple, is brave work. Deep and vulnerable work. It requires a strong commitment, huge intentionality, courage, forgiveness, and at times a power greater than the sum of both partners. Couples open to this work may find that healing and trust and love are possible again. If you have any questions about the process or my approach please do not hesitate to reach out to me directly to inquire further.
Call (208) 758-7414 or email me at Nick@thresholdcda.com with any questions you may have.