Forging Core Values (With Examples)

Forging Core Values

I believe in core values. Having them, tracking them, living them. In this post I will make a case for developing your own personal core values, how to do it, and how core values can benefit your healing journey out of a sexual addiction.

What are core values?

Core values are a set of principles you want to live by. Talk of core values usually shows up in the world of business, but here I am applying them to you, as an individual, as a man living in a complicated world.

Have you ever considered the principles that you want to govern your life as a whole? That you want to live by and be remembered for? If not, consider this: No one stumbles into success. Said another way, there are no accidental saints. If you meet a truly successful person or holy person or loving person, they got there on purpose. They got there because that’s the direction they’ve been moving in for quite some time. Likewise, if you want to move up and forward in life, determine where it is you want to go. Find a target and aim!

The cost of not having them

Not having personal core values isn’t going to kill you. It isn’t going to make your life immeasurably worse or ensure you will remain stuck in your current situation forever. But not having them could cost you time, confidence and growth.

Time

When you are chronically unclear about where you want to go and who you want to become in this one life you have, time gets flushed down the toilet. Life feels long, but it goes quick. What if you could truly end up where you want to be, but there are two paths, one path taking you forty years while the other would take ten. Which would you choose? Don’t waste any more time by remaining uncertain about where you want to be in life.

Confidence

Do you know how good it feels to live in line with your truest self? When who you want to be begins breaking out into your daily life? This is called congruence, and it produces confidence. Would you like more of that? If so, think deeply about the principles you want to guide your life from this moment onward and more confidence will soon be yours.

Growth

Growth requires intention and action. I may want to grow as a therapist, father or business owner. You may want to grow as a communicator, leader or husband. We can want all day. But if there is no intention to change, to actually do something different, we are leaving growth on the table. And for our spouses, families, communities, and ourselves, we need to grow. Developing core values moves us out of wanting and into intention and action.

How to forge your core values (3 steps)

It’s straightforward. I have broken the process down into three simple steps.

Step 1: Imagine your best self

Best practice would be to close your eyes and picture yourself in your mind one or five or ten years down the line. But most important: Picture your best self. Who might you become if your addictions fell by the wayside? Who might you be if all your old coping mechanisms and self-sabotaging and limiting ways of beliving and living broke off of you? Picture him. Really see him in your mind’s eye, study him for a moment.

Step 2: Write down characteristics

Okay, now, write down his most important characteristics. The ones that stick out to you the most. Is he powerful, present, or gentle? Is he funny, compassionate, or action-oriented? Generally, you are looking for 3-7 traits.

Step 3: Track daily and modify as needed

This is very important. You must begin tracking your core values daily–even a brief five minutes does wonders. What do I mean by tracking? By tracking I mean you must daily reflect on how you embodied your values and identify areas or moments for growth. Deb Dana writes that when we track new behaviors, we are prone to stick to them. As you start to do this, you will notice yourself spontaneously thinking about your core values during the day, as if your brain is sending you loving reminders to keep going.

To do this: Find a consistent place to track your values—a journal or a note in your phone, for example. Rate yourself 1-10 for each core value. Then write a few sentences on how you embodied a core value and one where you were weak.

Lastly, check in with yourself periodically that your values resonate with you. If you want to update or change one or some of them, great, do that. Be flexible with yourself as you “try them on,” and modify when necessary.

Personal examples

There are many amazing ways of being in the world, and just because you develop some personal values for yourself doesn’t mean you can’t be any other way. This isn’t about limitation in a negative sense, this is about freedom and authenticity. So here are three of my personal core values (I have seven in total) to give you some ammunition and inspiration.

Brotherhood

Brotherhood is about initiative, care and service to my loved ones. If I can help someone move, navigate their relationship problems, be a listening hear, or take care of my family in some specific way, then that’s what I strive to do.

Stewardship

Stewardship is about being faithful with what I have, even small things. This could be money, opportunities, relationships, or clients.

Action

Action is about two things: 1) moving on my problems or things I need to get done and 2) stepping toward meaning work, whether that’s striving for excellence in my business or working on a creative project that’s important to me.

Sidenote: Just because these are some of my values does not mean I am incredible at them. Some days, I fail. That’s okay. The point is I keep coming back to them because it’s who I want to be.

How core values help a sex addiction

One, they focus clients on where they aspire to go and less on their failures, more on who they could be and less on their shame. Two, core values get guys clear and organized. Three, tracking values daily can easily expand into deeper reflection and introspection. And four, they invite clients to consider their future in a positive light, not a destructive one.

Conclusion

Creating your own personal core values can be a great addition to your sexual addiction recovery journey. They can cultivate growth and confidence, and help you honor the time you’ve been given. Try them out and have fun with it. Growing can be enjoyable!