6 (More) Partner Responses After Sexual Betrayal
In the previous post, I discuss the first five trauma responses a wife may experience after learning of her man’s sex or pornography addiction. This post will look at the last six responses and serve as education for any husband struggling to understand his partner’s experience. All of these are taken directly from Stefanie Carnes’ book Courageous Love.
Public embarrassment
It’s traumatic enough for your wife to learn of your sexual acting out herself. If that information somehow stumbles into public light, it can retraumatize and cause immense shame and embarrassment for her, as she has to deal with what others think and navigate those who want to know more or are “checking in” too often. She may have to set boundaries and avoid certain people and things she has no desire or energy for. Public embarrassment can exacerbate her wish to withdraw and isolate herself from others.
Grief
Your wife has to mourn. She has lost precious things she thought she had. A husband worthy of trust. An open and honest relationship. All the stages of grief will rise and fall as they do. There will be denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Her anger and depression will probably be the most noticeable to you.
Emotional instability
One of the betrayal trauma responses many of my clients ask for help with is emotional instability. Have you experienced your wife’s emotional ups and downs, swinging from a desire to make your relationship work to anger and yelling, then back again? She is with you one moment, the next she is triggered and crying. This may seem confusing, but it’s not.
If you have sexually betrayed your wife or partner due to stepping outside the relationship in some way, please hear this: For the time being, you are both lover and abuser. One person, two identities. You are the person she loves the most and the person who has inflicted upon her great heartache. This is why she oscillates between opposite emotions when she’s with you. This is why she is hot and cold, up and down, on and off. This is a logical response to her relationship with you. Her emotional instability is about you, not her.
Anger
This doesn’t need much explanation. Anger is a part of grief, shattered expectations, and covering more vulnerable emotions like fear and humiliation. She is angry you weren’t faithful. She is angry you lied. She is angry you manipulated her reality. She is angry you made excuses and shirked responsibility. She is angry she has to mourn. She is angry. She can’t go anywhere without being reminded of what happened.
Avoidance and distraction
Because she is reminded nearly every day of what happened and hates thinking about it, your partner may avoid certain situations, places, or people and distract herself with busyness and life in the hopes thoughts and triggers of your infidelity won’t plague her. We all do this to some degree. Dealing with life in general can be challenging, let alone a disturbing relational trauma.
Ambivalence and withdrawal
Sometimes, your wife feels emotionally shut down and numb, apathetic about life and her relationship with you, and will withdraw from you and others. She may stop going to hangouts and doing her normal daily activities. She may watch more TV. She may spend more time on social media. She may not talk with you or want to see you for several days. I understand this may be anxiety-provoking and raise concerns in you, but this is normal early in the post-discovery process. Uncomfortable but normal. She is probably trying to survive and get through her days without spiraling. She needs time and space to process, think, and grieve.
All eleven responses are normal. None are “crazy” or out of the ordinary. If you’ve betrayed your wife, learn to listen to her experience. Be curious. Ask questions. Validate her. Love her.