Crappy Behavior Is Eroding Your Relationship
In this series I share some relationship advice for men from the book To Be a Man by Robert Masters. I have found these helpful in my own life and in my work with clients. I hope you do too.
The three other posts:
Crappy behavior is eroding your relationship
Today’s advice from Robert Masters:
Stop making excuses for your crappy behavior. And don’t run from whatever shame it might induce in you; stay with your remorse, and make amends as soon as possible. Explore the roots of such behavior instead of just promising not to do it again. Include her in your exploration.
Do not excuse it
Apart from our addictions and more serious issues of the heart, we can also act, in the words of Masters, “crappy.” I think of crappy as failing to pick up my dirty clothes off the bathroom floor again or tuning out my wife when she is talking to me about her day or having too short of a fuse when my boy isn’t listening to my directions the first time or not following through on something I told my wife I would take care of.
Crappy behavior can be minor, but if we have crappiness spread out over the whole of our lives, it’s like death by a thousand cuts. Behaving badly adds up.
Whatever crappy may be for you, don’t excuse it. Don’t say, “I forgot” or “It’s been a long day.” And don’t exaggerate or manipulate your partner by saying, “I’m the worst” or “I can’t get anything right” or “You’re so much better than me.” Simply own what you did or didn’t do.
Often, when confronted with our own poor behavior, we duck and dive from our shame. But Masters recommends that we sit with it, feel it.
Then he says, “make amends as soon as possible.” Totally agree. Don’t wait or delay. If you know you’re in the wrong, don’t just apologize, make amends. A rupture in your relationship is not like a hole in your jeans. It should be dealt with promptly.
An invitation to go deeper
Here’s the last part: Dig. Get underneath the behavior to the roots. You can ask yourself in a moment of introspection, “Why do I do this? Where does this come from?” Perhaps there is a negative belief or emotion attached to this behavior. Get curious and try and discover the meaning of this behavior for you.
Take your exploration to the next level and invite your partner into it. Ask her if what you are learning about your behavior resonates with her. Give her context and perspective, again, while withholding excuses.
We all have our collections of bad behaviors. That’s normal. Don’t feel bad about that. It’s human nature. But do what you can to grow and mature beyond them. That’s a mark of a good man.