Developing Your 'Why' for Sexual Sobriety and Recovery
You need fuel for the sobriety journey
Developing your 'Why' for sexual sobriety and recovery
Every man in treatment for sex and pornography addiction needs to ask himself this question: “Why? Why am I doing all this work?”
Your ‘why’ as fuel
Recovery from sex and porn addiction is a hard road. A long road. And guys need fuel for the journey. When you are confident in why you are doing this work, whether the work is becoming more vulnerable or listening to your wife express her pain or attending weekly therapy, doing the next right thing becomes easier. You’re able to carry a little more and walk a little farther.
When clients struggle to answer ‘Why’ or if they have a flimsy answer, the opposite is true. It’s easier to slip up, neglect the work, and throw in the towel. In short, it’s easier to relapse.
Saving a relationship is fine but not enough
Initially, many men seek treatment because they want to save their relationship. Maybe they’ve been caught cheating or looking at pornography. Perhaps trust is shattered and divorce is on the table. Many guys at this point realize they want to fix things and try to make their marriages work. I’ve heard these many times. Understandably. I would want to fix my relationship too.
Make it about you
The desire to save a relationship is a great place to start treatment but it can’t sustain long-term recovery. Why? Because what if the relationship ends? If healing a relationship is a client’s only fuel source, he will eventually run out of gas.
I recommend making your ‘Why’ fundamentally about you. About what you truly want for your life. If you were free from addiction, what could life look like?
Why are you doing this work? Why are you going to therapy and reading books and listening to podcasts? Why are you practicing mindfulness and attending addiction groups and facing your shame? What's the point of it all?
Saving my relationship +
These are questions only you can answer for yourself. But if you like, here are what some clients have come up with as they’ve labored toward long-term fuel for sobriety and recovery:
To stop believing lies about who I am.
To experience healthy sexuality with my wife.
To have a closer relationship with God.
To be done feeling ashamed.
To learn to love with no strings attached.
To stop pornifying other women.
To try and discover who I really am.
To leave my children and grandchildren a legacy of healthy relationships.
To know what it’s like to be free.
To stop hiding from others and live in the light.
Conclusion
We all need deep and inspiring reasons for the tough paths we choose to walk. If long-term sobriety and recovery are goals you have for yourself, I’d like to invite you to dig deep and develop your ‘Why.’