What (Not) To Do When Your Wife Is Triggered by Your Past
What (not) to do when your wife is triggered by your past
As mentioned in the previous post, clients often begin treatment for sex or pornography addiction after a loved one (most often a spouse) discovers their hidden sexual life, be it affairs, pornography use, or chronic masturbation.
Betrayal and post-traumatic stress disorder
When partners discover an addict’s acting out and lying it can be devastating. They are often shocked, confused, enraged, and broken-hearted. And rightly so.
PTSD symptoms
Recent research into the partner experience has conclusive shown it to be traumatic. Hidden sexual acting out is a kind of betrayal. Thus, many partners experience symptoms similar to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), like hypervigilance, negative cognitions, irritability, and prolonged psychological distress.
These symptoms can be confusing and difficult to manage for both partners.
Not knowing how to respond
Many addiction clients report how difficult it is for them when their wives are triggered and angry by their past sexual acting out. From his perspective, his wife’s emotions often come out of nowhere, brought on by an innocent movie they were watching or him looking at his phone for too long. Triggers can seem “crazy” and “illogical,” making it difficult for him to respond in a loving and effective way.
I’ve heard many stories of men responding in ineffective ways. So what should you avoid doing if this dynamic is happening in your relationship? What should you not do when your wife is triggered by your past acting out?
Don’t stand there doing nothing
When husbands are sideswiped by their wives’ triggers it’s all too easy to freeze in an attempt to not make things worse. To your wife though, freezing feels cold and uncaring (no pun intended).
Remember, when your wife is triggered, there is pain underneath her anger. Train yourself to “see” her pain. It’s getting caught up in the emotional storm, but it takes discernment to see what she isn’t showing you, her wounded and broken heart.
Let me say it again, underneath the trigger is a grieving little girl who wants to feel you love her, pursue her, desire her. Memorize this: See what she isn’t showing me.
Don’t express anger
When your partner is triggered, shelve your anger. It will make things worse. It’s not bad to feel anger. Her emotions may have caught you off guard. It may be a terrible time to start an emotional conversation. She may be mixing in insults and demeaning comments. Feeling anger is not the issue. When she is triggered, it’s not the time to express it.
Anger will most likely be interpreted as further evidence that you really don’t care about her. It’s fighting fire with fire.
Don’t “fix” it
Your wife’s pain is not a problem to be fixed but a wound to be acknowledged. Attempting to fix her will only do your relationship a disservice as it treats her broken heart as an object in the way of your peace of mind. Attempting to fix will communicate that she is the problem in your relationship instead of your past acting out. It invalidates her. Remember this: Don’t fix it, sit with it.
Conclusion
If you shouldn’t stand there doing anything or express anger or attempt to fix it, then what? What should you do? For that, I will turn to Stefanie Carnes in the next post.