What to Do When Your Wife Is Triggered by Your Past
Stefanie Carnes, expert on sex addiction and betrayal trauma, in her book Courageous Love, outlines what she calls the SUPPORT Model. It’s a simple structure for helping men in recovery from sex addiction respond effectively and lovingly to their partners' triggers. SUPPORT stands for:
Stop and give your undivided attention
Understand where she is coming from (listen)
Provide empathy
Provide validation
Be open
Show remorse
Touch
Let’s take a closer look at each of these and how to apply them to your relationship.
Stop and give your undivided attention
In order to give your undivided attention, accept that your wife is upset and needs your attention. Accept the moment and let go of resistance. This will help immensely for expressing empathy later on.
When your wife is triggered, stop what you’re doing and make yourself fully available to her in body and mind. Make it clear that you are not absorbed in anything else and truly present for and interested in what's happening for her.
Understand where she is coming from (listen)
It's normal to get caught up in our own emotional responses when our wives are triggered. Anger: “Really, right now?” Shame: “I’m such an idiot, I can’t do anything right!” Confusion: “I thought we were having a good time, what happened?” Exhaustion: “I can’t do this, I just can't right now.” Fear: “I know she’s going to leave me this time.” Notice your emotional responses. Then take some deep breaths and recalibrate your attention on her. Listen with the intent to understand. This may feel uncomfortable, like your mind is stretching.
Provide empathy
At this point, you may notice an urge to shift the focus back to you, to share your feelings or correct her story. Keep the focus on her, even if you disagree with something. Additionally, if you've accepted the moment, you'll better express your empathy for her. If you are tense, rigid, or feeling inconvenienced, your empathy will be blocked.
Seek to wrap your mind around her pain, her anger. Stay present. Let her heart move you. It may feel unnatural but consider saying something like, “That must feel awful,” or “I can’t imagine what that’s like.” But more important than what you say is how you say it. We communicate empathy through our bodies, our faces, our eyes, our gentle voices. Be mindful about aligning your words with the expression of your body. If you say something empathic but your body is cold and stony, she won't believe you and she may trust you less. Make your voice soft, relax your body, and open your heart to hers.
Provide validation
Validation is all about logic. The logic of a broken heart. Validation is communicating that your wife’s emotions and anger and pain make sense. It makes sense that she is overwhelmed with grief, burdened by the thought that she is not enough, or pissed off when you tune her out. Perhaps you used to tune her out during moments of physical intimacy and sex, so now she becomes upset when something feels similar. All this actually makes logical-heart sense. Her emotions are not crazy. You can tell her this directly.
Be open
Be open to how she responds. Don’t force things in a certain direction because you feel anxious. Let the chips fall where they may. And if it’s appropriate, be curious. You can ask a follow-up question. Be open to answering a question she may have. Allow the moment to unfold. Engage with her. See where things go and continue to be present.
Show remorse
Do you have any brokenness over her pain? Do you have sadness? Do you have regret? Show it. Express your heart. Show her that she moves you, that her pain causes you distress and sadness and regret. Be vulnerable.
Touch
Be careful because touch could be triggering. But consider it if your wife has softened if she is no longer angry or tense. You can also ask her if she is open to you holding her hand or touching her shoulder. If yes, be tender. Move slowly. Being reassured with physical touch can be healing. But don’t assume she wants this. If she isn’t open to touch, know that she may be later on. Give her time.
Let me be clear about this. Everything written here is hard. And maybe new to you. That's okay. Give yourself permission to fail. You will fail at this because you are in the process. But men struggling with sex addiction must prioritize this work if they are committed to their relationship. Take inventory of yourself. How many of these do you practice with your wife? Four? Two? Zero? Start where you are and practice. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go well. Try again. Take ownership of helping your relationship heal.