A Period of Celibacy
5 essential reasons to kickstart your sexual sobriety with celibacy (I’m serious)
That’s not a word we hear much in our day. Celibacy. It feels archaic or religious. Yet it can be an important part of the journey for those in early treatment from sex and pornography addiction.
Patrick Carnes and celibacy
Celibacy is the commitment to refrain from sex for a given amount of time. In Facing the Shadow, a powerful book my clients work through, author, lecturer and godfather of sex addiction treatment, Patrick Carnes writes,
“Fairly early in recovery, addicts will also commit to a period of celibacy. Usually this lasts from eight to twelve weeks and includes all forms of erotic activity, including sex with self.”
This isn’t because sex is bad or that the client needs to be punished. On the contrary, a period of celibacy is for healing and growth.
5 reasons for celibacy
It gives a client time and space to face the knot of problems and consequences from his past acting out.
He becomes more emotionally open in therapy as he is not relying on old sexual crutches to distract himself.
Important repressed childhood memories may emerge.
It helps the client foster and develop healthy sexuality.
Lastly, a client can effectively define for themselves sobriety, relapse, and healthy sex.
As a clinician, I’ve witnessed all of these. Old memories emerge. Healthy sexuality is developed. Mental clarity increases. But I recently learned of some wonderful neurological reasons for a time of celibacy as well.
30 days to reset
There is science showing the importance of just thirty days to begin rewiring the addicted brain. Professor Anna Lembke has helped popularize this idea.
Dopamine levels have to balance out
Dr. Lembke is a professor of psychiatry at Stanford and author of the bestselling Dopamine Nation, and in an interview with Andrew Huberman she talked about how the reward center of the brain and dopamine levels, for those suffering from addiction, can experience a life-altering reset with approximately thirty days of abstinence.
For my clients, that is one month of refraining from sex, pornography and masturbation. (Some clients may choose to abstain longer.)
To some this sounds crazy or impossible. But the truth is neither. For men walking away from sex and pornography addiction, the reward center of the brain needs time to cool down and recalibrate. Dopamine production is unnaturally high and a month or so of refraining from all sexual activity can be pivotal to healing.
Pleasure in the little things
On the other side of this celibacy period will be your brain’s renewed ability to experience pleasure in simple things—a cup of coffee, a walk in the park, holding your partner’s hand.
I’ve had several clients remark on what this has been like for them, this dopamine reset and the peace it brings to their minds. Just today a client of mine expressed his surprised at the pleasure he had this week in simply learning! All because his brain is healing through abstaining from his addictions.