When Your Inner Child Takes Over
In this series I share some relationship advice for men from the book To Be a Man by Robert Masters. I have found these helpful in my own life and in my work with clients. I hope you do too.
The three other posts:
Your inner child shows up in conflict
Okay, here’s today’s advice:
Learn to recognize when the child in you takes over, clearly communicating that to your partner. Embrace and protect that aspect of yourself without adopting its viewpoint. When the child in you shows up strongly—especially during a relational conflict—ask yourself how old you feel, and share that with your partner. You might say something like: “Wow, my five-year-old boy just showed up!” or “The way I’m feeling is the way I felt when I was a kid being put down by my father.”
Communicate to your partner about your inner child
From time to time these younger parts show up in our lives in unexpected ways. They get triggered. Their unresolved wounds get pressed, and we may find that they take us over emotionally. We may find them running the show. Most often, they emerge during relational conflict.
Learn to recognize when the child in you takes over, clearly communicating that to your partner.
This simple piece of advice could change the world. And possibly your relationship.
Learn the hurt of your younger self
Take time to learn your younger parts. These may be parts of you that were hurt growing up. A scared six-year-old. A lonely latchkey kid. A thirteen-year-old embarrassed and shamed by his father. A young man rejected by a first love.
We all have at least one inner kid. Learn his story, his heartache, his pain. Understand what triggers him. This will help you recognize him in the present. You’ll know it when his pain takes over the “living room” of your mind. His heartbreak fills you. And your body surges with his emotion.
How old do you feel?
When the child in you shows up strongly—especially during a relational conflict—ask yourself how old you feel, and share that with your partner.
Next, communicate this to your partner. Bring her into it. Let her know what’s happening for you. “He’s here. I feel like I’m ten.” This shifts the dynamic of the moment for you and your partner, when you both understand that your past has just flooded the present.
Embrace him
Embrace and protect that aspect of yourself without adopting its viewpoint.
When younger parts of us show up, we typically take one of two paths:
Give him control and unleash his emotion and worldview.
Ignore him and pretend we are fine.
A better route is Masters’ advice. Embrace your inner kid without spewing his childish perspective or giving into his demands.
A couple years ago, I was afraid to go to work. I worked with a group of juvenile young men, and it was at times a stressful and unpredictable job. I distinctly remember one afternoon, while tying my shoes, having a conversation with a younger fearful part of myself. I said out loud to myself, “I know you don’t want to go to work today. I know it’s a stressful job sometimes. It’s okay. It’ll be alright. I’ll be with you. We’ll do it together.” I embraced him. Coached him. But I didn’t give into his wish to call out of work and stay home. Strangely enough, I felt better. I felt validated, connected and empowered.
Conclusion
Learn to respect your past, your old wounds and scars. When your past shows up, honor it. Embrace and validate it. But let it know you are the adult and you will determine what needs to be done.