“I’m Being Reactive”
In this series I share some relationship advice for men from the book To Be a Man by Robert Masters. I have found these helpful in my own life and in my work with clients. I hope you do too.
The three other posts:
“I’m being reactive”
Here’s Robert Masters on being reactive in your relationship.
When you realize you’re being reactive, immediately say out loud, or under your breath to yourself, “I’m being reactive.” How simple this sounds, and yet how challenging it can be to put into practice—mostly because of the shame we’re on the edge of fully feeling as we become aware of our reactivity. Soften your belly, breathe more deeply, and wait until you’re ready to say what you’re feeling and nothing more, until the grip of your reactivity has clearly waned.
Say it out loud
When you realize you’re being reactive, immediately say out loud, or under your breath to yourself, “I’m being reactive.”
When we are angry or stressed or moving quickly, we are prone to react. But most of the time reacting causes harm, especially to those we love the most.
For example, let’s say your wife says something snarky (or at least you interpret it that way) and you snap back thoughtlessly, hurting her feelings and stirring up unnecessary stress for yourself in the process. If we are going to have thriving relationships, ones we are proud of and content in, we have to put reactivity aside like the childish thing that it is.
I like Masters’ advice here: Tell yourself, even out loud, that you are being reactive. Doing so grounds you in reality, making it much harder to be swept into the drama of emotion. Try this the next time you feel the impulse to say something you’ll regret.
Shame makes this hard to do
He continues,
How simple this sounds, and yet how challenging it can be to put into practice—mostly because of the shame we’re on the edge of fully feeling as we become aware of our reactivity.
If we are honest with ourselves, being reactive makes us feel small, petty, and it erodes our self-esteem (which is the shame Masters is talking about here). If we are ever going to heal the shame we carry, we should first stop adding to it. Thoughtless living breeds shame.
Disarming relational tension
Lastly, Masters writes,
Soften your belly, breathe more deeply, and wait until you’re ready to say what you’re feeling and nothing more, until the grip of your reactivity has clearly waned.
When you’re reactive, your attention is on “him” or “her” or “them” or whatever is stirring you up. Masters’ suggestion is to instead tune into your body. Soften it through breathing. Deep intentional breathing puts the brakes on and helps you think clearly.
Then figure out what you’re feeling underneath your anger (sadness, fear, confusion, etc.) and vocalize that. If it’s with your wife, tell her that the way she communicated with you hurt your feelings or confused you. Be vulnerable if you can. True vulnerability has the gentle power of disarming relational tension like little else.
If you can’t do this in the moment, respectfully disengage until you can.