Listening Without Fixing
In this series I share some relationship advice for men from the book To Be a Man by Robert Masters. I have found these helpful in my own life and in my work with clients. I hope you do too.
The three other posts:
She does not want to be fixed
My father is the classic fix-it guy. He remodels the bathroom, makes furniture and collects tools. He’s handy and good at figuring out how things work and how they can work better. He solves problems.
In relationships with women, many men apply this fix-it model. Is my wife sad? I’ll fix it. Is my girlfriend stressed? I’ll fix it. Is she anxious or confused about one of her close relationships? No problem, I’ll fix it! The only issue with this is it’s most likely not what she’s actually wanting from you.
Read these words from Robert Masters on listening to the woman in your life:
“Listen to her without trying to figure out solutions for what’s going on, and listen with your whole being. Your job isn’t to fix something, but to genuinely take in and resonate with what she’s feeling. Stay alive and fully present in your listening, doing so not as a duty, but as an act of intimate interest and care. And don’t be passive in this! If your interest wanes, or it’s not good timing, don’t pretend to be listening. Either refocus, or let her know, in a non-shaming way, that you’d like to continue the conversation later on when you can be more present, making sure you aren’t using this option as a way to avoid listening!”
Listen with your whole being
“Your job isn’t to fix something, but to genuinely take in and resonate with what she’s feeling.”
That’s your job. Save the fixing, if that’s what you enjoy doing, for the house and the cars and the yard.
I like how Masters says, “listen with your whole being,” not just with the ears. The ears take in the sounds and words but it’s your heart that discerns her emotions. She wants you to connect with her emotions. If you focus on solutions, you’ll miss her completely.
I once worked with a couple. The husband was a capital-M master at solutions and getting life handled. Yet for years his wife felt like a stranger in his presence. She didn’t know what it was like to be listened to.
Truly listening communicates, “I love you, I care about you.”
If you cannot listen, wait
This is why it is important, if it is a genuinely bad time, to say so.
“Let her know, in a non-shaming way, that you’d like to continue the conversation later on when you can be more present.”
There’s nothing wrong with this. It may not be a great time. You may be distracted. Though somewhat inconvenient for a moment, you asking her to talk about this later when you can be more present communicates that you care about her and what she’s saying.
Just make sure you aren’t trying to wiggle out of listening completely. This will hurt her further and she probably won’t soon forget.
How are you at listening, truly taking in and resonating with what the woman in your life is feeling? Rate yourself, be honest, and work toward bettering yourself in this area.