Sex Addiction and the Nervous System: Safe, Social, Connected

Sex addiction and the nervous system: safe, social, connected

Men with sexual addiction may not often think about or understand their nervous system. But they should! It may be the missing link in sex addiction treatment.

In this article I will cover the first of the three states of the nervous system, called Ventral Vagal—when your body feels safe, social, and connected—and how it can impact a sex addiction.

First, a little on what the nervous system does.

Your nervous system is always on

Your nervous system is always working, even while you sleep. Underneath your conscious awareness, it scans your environment, looking for danger.

Back in the day, danger would have been tigers, bears, snakes, etc. While these predators may still trigger your nervous system today, threats can also be a relational dynamic with your partner, an angry boss, even your own worried mind.

But when your nervous system detects your surroundings as nonthreatening, or safe, you move about life getting things done, interacting with people as you need to and want to, working through conflict, and feeling good overall. This is the physiological state of calm and wellbeing in your body known as ventral vagal.

Welcome to where you want to be!

What ventral vagal is like

I imagine ventral vagal as the main floor of a house. It’s where you live, and want to live, most of the time, working, cleaning, hosting, socializing, resting, and enjoying life. Above the main floor is the attic and below is the basement (more on this later).

When you are in ventral vagal, you have access to your whole brain, especially the sophisticated parts just behind your forehead. When problems arise, you can handle them as any mature adult would, by asking questions, requesting what you want, setting boundaries, talking with someone, getting advice, being curious, brainstorming, and collaborating. This is where we all want to be in everyday life.

Important: When people spend most of their life in ventral vagal, they typically do not seek therapy.

“Outside” ventral vagal and addiction

The problem for many with addiction, as well as trauma, is that ventral vagal is not where they live much of the time. My clients, for example, often report they are in the other two physiological states of the nervous system more than they want to be: fight-or-flight (what I call the attic) and dorsal vagal (what I call the basement).

These two states of the body can be lifesaving in certain situations. But if a person’s nervous system, due to early childhood development or trauma, takes them there too often or “gets stuck,” it can get in the way of their life.

The counseling field has been coming to understand just how important the nervous system is to the treatment of addiction. Some of my clients have seen it as a missing piece to the puzzle. For example, they’ve noticed that their addiction ramps up when they are not in ventral vagal.

This raises important questions: Do those with addiction spend less time in ventral vagal? Why is that? Can someone widen their ability to be in ventral vagal? What takes them out?

Conclusion

When your nervous system deems your surroundings safe, you will experience the state of bodily calm and wellbeing known as ventral vagal, which may be an important piece of understanding for addiction clients, even helping them manage triggers and stay sober.